Editor’s Note: Jan 2023. Many changes have occurred since this post, but I am leaving it here, untouched and raw for posterity.

For myself and anyone else interested to see what the crack in self-protecting-armor looks like. This post is long, and a bit chaotic. When I wrote it I didn’t want to post it because I believed that, despite the title and the subject matter, it was too unruly. But it is real.

It is the first step of breakthrough that has led me to THIS January. I forced too much control, perfection, outline and “churchiness” in here, and those are the only parts I don’t ADORE about this post.

So while I am tempted to spend time altering, cutting, rearranging and meddling… I will leave it as is and will link to it often as a reminder that we can all change for the better by learning from our past.

Blessings

JANUARY 2022

As a kid I was told by friends and family that I was a rambler. I was long-winded, wordy, extremely exhausting to listen to, and often took things in a direction unexpected. Of course, they meant for me to learn from their admonition and grow into a woman of direction, confidence, clarity of heart and communication, and more easily engaged with on a verbal level. I recognized my weakness throughout the years and did, in fact, improve in many of these areas – mostly. But there has always been a bit of rambling inside of my heart and mind as I directed my attentions this way and that as I meander my way through life.

To Ramble… by Mirriam Webster

To explore idly, move aimlessly from place to place. To talk or write in an aimless, erratic and often long-winded or wandering fashion. To grow or extend irregularly.
OR
A leisurely excursion for pleasure. A rambling story or discussion. Moving or stretching in a way unexpected.

I got much direction from God as I was young, and soon had a list of things I felt called to reach for and accomplish. Things like missions work, foster care and adoption, worship leader at church, homeschooling my children, supporting other moms through Bible study and IRL teaching… I wanted to do it all! God also blessed me with the skillset and enjoyment of working in the healthcare field for the income needed to support all these other directions. I knew this was what I was here on the planet to do, to bring Him glory through these endeavors.

Moving past the Rambling?

And I succeeded! I had arrived! At the age of 35 I had checked off EVERY SINGLE box of “what I want to be/do when I grow up”. Not the end of life “bucket list”, but the list of accomplishments that people would know me for. Even though God never said it audibly, I did have comfort from Him that I was on a path that gave Him glory and encouraged others to do the same.

Everything was looking up! It would have been easy to rest back and settle into some calm and peace as we stepped into our children hitting their teens. But God knew better, so He changed direction for our family – asking us to step out of our comfort zone and wait on Him for the next instructions. That’s when we experienced a few years of really rough, life and reality changing events that brought my attention back to this concept of the Rambling child I was in my younger years.

God didn’t lead us to an abandoned desert, or to a place of danger and deficiency. He took us down a path of uncertainty and of wanting answers from Him. As we drew together as a family in wait on the Lord of the universe to give the next marching orders; we realized that He had, in fact, already begun to prepare us. Not only our hearts to long for closeness with each other as family and to be obedient to our God, but also in the logistics arena. We had spent many segments of time – hours, days, weeks even – looking at what we NEEDED to be fulfilled, happy, and prepared for the next leg of our journey.

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

Psalm 27:14

Early on in marriage and raising of children, Dan and I agreed to keep most things until it was clear they were no longer needed by us, and then give them to someone to be enjoyed and used well again. So we cut, and trimmed and divided all items in a room by 50% – giving or selling everything we didn’t absolutely require. And this took over 2 years, yet God waited patiently. Every time we thought we had cut deep enough, God placed another room/collection/plan for future in our hearts and minds and asked us to assess the level of need. For more than 28 months, we added an extra trash can at the street every couple of weeks. We rented a dumpster, and filled it – TWICE.

By the time God showed us His plan, as much as we know at this point, we had reduced our earthly possessions by over 70%. While it was difficult at first to give up things we “might need someday” when we first started, but the time we were facing into a move across the country, it was just a way of life. Saying goodbye to the things we had accumulated over the past year was more about remembering the good times and excitement for how this item could be enjoyed by someone else! Years prior there would have been tears, laments, and literal gnashing of teeth by at least one of us! But we were able to pick up what we NEEDED and follow God’s marching orders into the unknown of a new community, delighted to see what blessings He had in store for us!

“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!”

 Isaiah 30:18

So what does any of this have to do with gardening, raising animals, parenting or homesteading? Absolutely everything! When all the focus on what to do/accomplish/complete was stripped away as no longer important, these things remained. In Matthew chapter 6, Jesus addresses everything we were facing and gave DETAILED instructions on how to move forward.

• Don’t store up stuff here on earth. It’s not worth it, it will get destroyed, and most of all – If you are focusing here, you cannot be fully focused on Me.
• Look at stuff that is good! Healthy and wholesome stuff will bring light into your life. Unhealthy stuff coming in will fill your whole body with darkness. And if you lie to yourself by labeling unhealthy with a “Wholesome” sticker on it – You will be is the deepest of all darkness!
• Do not worry about your life, what to eat and drink. Life is more important than that! Even the birds and flowers are taken care of and dressed beautifully and you are of much more importance to God.
• Food, Drink, Clothes: Your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Let’s start with the first bullet point from Matthew: Don’t store up stuff here on earth. It isn’t worth it, and it becomes a distraction for your heart and mind. This had been proven to us over and over as we cut out more and more of our once prized possessions and found ourselves feeling free and relieved of their need for attention. Next, Focus on the good stuff. HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness. Well, I guess we should look at what HIS kingdom was meant to be like… In the beginning….

God began by creating everything on a whim. Out of His mind, living things became real and knew what they were meant for. He created with a purpose for each individual animal, plant, and wave of the sea. He set apart a special space in creation for humans and gave all power and control and authority over all creation to Adam and Eve.

“Be fruitful and increase in number, fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish, birds, and every living creature moving on the ground. I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.”

Gen 1:28-29

And there it is! The point. The goal. The finish line. Right there at the very beginning. God’s Righteousness, His Kingdom was created to keep His kids close, give them everything they could possibly want, and make it simple enough that they had time every evening to come hang out with Him and just chat and allow themselves to be loved by and fully cared for by their Master and Creator. So what’s stopping us from doing the same?

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So clearly, I still ramble in speech and text. I still find the long-winded way to say things sometimes. I add details and inflection where maybe there doesn’t need to be. I zig when it is expected that I might zag. But God has brought my heart, nearly against my will of accomplishment and direction that was pursued for so long, to a place of returning to the garden. He made the animals and the plants to produce and provide for us under His direction and although humanity acted out and required a consequence, God never said that changed his plan. GOD made garments for Adam and Eve before they had to leave the garden. He proved to them both, and all mankind to follow, that HE was the one to protect and care for them. And as the years and generations wore on, we see time after time that those who seek and follow God’s directions and teachings find not only peace and protection, but also His Kingdom.