Out of death and loss, life springs anew!
The past few years have been pretty rough for our family, from teen and adult children moving far away - sometimes under less than epic circumstances - to changing from a homeschool family to a private school and “making it work” one. Last summer, I began to realize just how much loss I had been experiencing and how gross it feels to experience “Loss of a Dream”.
I have been a homeschooling mom for over half of my life, a regular attender of events and outings with my children, as well as with their parents and friends. I fixed things around the house and on the vehicles - and I loved it! I worked at the church as worship leader, special events coordinator, and janitor for about 3 years. I spent my spare time making things from scratch that included meals, gardens, laundry soap, clothing, games/activities, and more. I planned regular dates and outings for Dan and me to hang out as friends away from the chaos of young children at home. I was always looking for the next way to fulfill the wants and needs of the family and bring joy to everyday living.
I worked outside the house often while raising my kiddos, but also worked from home during large sections of time so I could be present with them as much as possible. Dan, my high-school sweetheart, now-husband, also had the blessing of working mostly from home as a pastor and youth leader. He occasionally took up employment elsewhere to invest in and build relationships with communities that often don’t see “church people”. Think the local gaming store - full of sweaty, poorly dressed, and “rough around the edges” young men (and some women). These folks became family, as they didn’t really have a good family to speak of, and enjoyed plugging into our controlled chaos tied up with love.
This became who we were. We were all about family, our children, showing faith and trust in God through the daily grind of what life threw at us. Vacations to see the grandparents were planned around church schedule, homeschool outings/events, seasonal changes, summer camps, and allergy season. We didn’t have much money and I was always looking for ways to pinch a penny or two, but we were satisfied and supported. We had faith that God would never let us “fall of the face of the planet” and that in fact, He promised to have us in the palm of His hand - the cuppy part that is easy to settle into if you get small enough. We knew life would change as our kids grew up, but I didn’t yet realize just how much I would miss the days of living life this way.
We moved to Louisiana in January 2020, unbeknownst to us, landing us in a new land during a complete shutdown. The new job in the ER was a great way to bushwhack through the culture shock for me as a “Northerner”. This move brought a giant set of blessings and difficulties over the next few years, but we were certain that God had brought us to this place at this time for a reason. More on this topic will be forthcoming, but that is not why we are here today.
6 months ago, my life was filled with anger at situations my loved ones found themselves in, exhaustion from working shifts both frequent and irregular, tired from lack of sleep due to FOMO with the few hours I had with family, business just trying to be sometimes present with church/family/etc, loneliness even in a room of people I love because I was set to “closed” and couldn’t figure out how to be open to people again. The only silver lining I could find was the interactions with my husband, Dan. Sure, we had our differences and disagreements - and we did so loudly…. But after 24 years of marriage, there were a few topics on which we had been in disagreement from the early years. Nothing that could break us up or be a “hill to die on”, but some things that affect the everyday life of living in the same house with someone you love. The things that make you still love the life you have, but find LIKING it to be hard at times.
Things like the continued education of our youngest child, the plans to arrange the house for form vs function, where to spend any extra dollars that we make or find in the budget, relationships with old friends/coworkers/family members, and what the next year could or should bring. These are the quiet topics that rear up from the dark to interrupt a family movie night or a date night - often birthed by an innocent comment or question from one or the other regarding the general topic. While discussing and often arguing about these things, we came to realize - in the last few months specifically - just how different we were as people and in how we communicate our needs and wants. More specifically, how we had NOT been communicating them. At least not well.
So God began a good work in us!
He blew out the cobwebs of the difficult conversation corners and led us gently into facing them one at a time. Finding peace and agreement of spirit on each one. Of course, we didn’t know that we only had a few months…
We didn’t know that Dan would pass gently in his sleep this spring. We didn’t know that I would be losing more titles that I had held for over half my life - Wife. Pastor’s wife. Worship leader. Partner. Best Friend. Putting up new ones I didn’t know how to handle - Widow. Sole provider. Single mom.
Today, I am grateful for the trials and bumps along the way - as I have grown so much closer to my Heavenly Father than my 25-year-old self could ever imagine. He was preparing me for something hard, and I didn’t realize it. So today, I find myself in a much different scenario. I know He has a plan for me. I know it is better than my plan. I’m dressed and ready for whatever He puts in my path, and ready to listen for direction. But for the most part - I’m choosing to sit in the palm of His hand, waiting for His timing. I’m excitedly waiting to see how He works this all out for HIS GOOD and calls more people to Him through the story He is telling in my life. Can’t wait to be a part of it, you wanna come along and watch too?
